If you’ve ever had a host child who’s difficult to bond with, you’re definitely not alone. Every host family offers a different journey, and it’s completely normal to have a slower start. Remember, this is not a reflection on you! As an au pair, your role is to do the best you can to develop a healthy, loving relationship with your host child and find ways to make the most of your time together—so don’t lose your motivation! Often, these tough starts can lead to even stronger relationships between you and your host child down the line. If you find yourself in this situation, you’ve come to the right place. Here is a list of strategies you can use to form a stronger bond with a more resistant child, gathered from au pairs who have struggled with the exact same issue. Good luck, and happy bonding! 
1. Know that it’s normal
If it feels like your host child doesn’t like you right away, don’t worry—it’s very normal. Having a more resistant host child is very common when au pairs first arrive. Remember, while you are getting used to a new home in a new country, your child is learning how to live and bond with a new person in their home. This may not always be easy or happen immediately! We hear this feedback from many au pairs, so don’t think you’re alone. “Ten months ago, I moved to my host family’s house to start a new chapter as an au pair. What I wasn’t prepared for was my host child’s reaction to me. She closed her heart to me, we had a lot of tears, she didn’t wanna play with me or even talk with me, she challenged me. But slowly I made my way to earn her trust. I gave her space and worked on finding out her favorite games and things to do and showed her we had more in common than she thought. Anyways, here we are ten months later, and we’ve built a relationship that is gold! She is one of the most incredible kids I've met. I’m so grateful that she gave me a chance, opened up to me and let me be part of her daily adventures. I hope to be her best friend forever.” —Larissa, au pair from Brazil
2. Make a good first impression
When you arrive at your new home, your first interactions with your host child are very important. Show the child that you’re excited to be there and spend time with them, and avoid distractions like your phone. Early on, your kids should trust that you’ll be a fun, active part of their everyday lives rather than just a short-term caretaker. Make sure they know that you’re ready to go above and beyond. 
3. Ask questions
Kids love being asked about themselves, so use this strategy to bond with them! Ask your host kids about everything they care about: their hobbies, friends, teachers, and favorite food, books, games and school subjects. Find things in common with them—whether that be playing Spiderman or eating ice cream. And if you don’t have much in common, adopt one of their interests as your own, and try incorporating these interests into your daily activities. Maybe a princess-themed craft or a jungle animal obstacle course? Remembering these little things will let them know that you really care about who they are as individuals and the relationship you’re forming. “You know, au pairs are not only au pairs. Au pairs can turn into really big parts of a host child’s life, and you choose if you want that, or if you don't. It's so easy to be distracted by other things, but if you know how you want to be viewed, if you know how you want to be remembered at the end, you will act a certain way. You will remove those distractions while you're spending time with them. I guess that's the key.” —Rebekka, 24, Germany
4. Explain the au pair’s role
One way to gain your host child’s trust is to be both gentle and clear about your new role in the household. Some children may not understand that you’re actually there to help their parents and be a new person to have fun with! Make it clear that you’re someone they can talk to, play with, and trust—kind of like a big sibling. It’s especially important to actively listen and engage in this early stage by maintaining eye level and reacting thoughtfully, so there’s no doubt about your good intentions.
5. Don’t take it personally
It’s never easy to have a host child who resists bonding with you, but it’s important to remember that their reactions have nothing to do with who you are as an au pair. The most common piece of advice our au pairs give for this situation is to stay positive and continue to participate in the same activities you would do in a normal situation. Rather than showing the child that you are upset, continue to lead them through the schedule of the day with a good attitude. This will let them know that their reactions will neither change your role nor how much you care about them. 
6. Make new traditions
If your host child has had in-home childcare in the past, you may find them comparing you to past au pairs or babysitters or trying to leverage what they “used to do.” Rather than competing with their former caretakers, try redirecting the child to recognize how you might give them a unique year of childcare. Share an exciting cultural tradition or holiday with them that they haven’t experienced with anyone else. They will start to understand that having a different caregiver can be a positive thing!
7. Ask for help
It’s important to remember that you’re never alone in your journey. When you meet with other au pairs, ask them what strategies they used to bond with their host children early on. Your host parents are another great resource for advice. Find out if your host kids have had any au pairs or babysitters in the past who struggled to bond with their children and explore how they handled this. Your local representative is a great resource for simple comfort and reassurance, too. They often know the struggles of parenthood firsthand themselves. “I’m still in the period where she’s testing me (it’s only been 2 months). Sometimes it’s very hard to handle, especially at the beginning. You want the kid to love you. But now, I just don’t take it personally. We have a great time together, and I know she loves me because she tells me so.” —Marie, 24, France
8. Maintain a good attitude
Before beginning your day of childcare, take a moment to check in with yourself. How are you going to be a great au pair today? What goals and strategies will you use to bond with your child today? How can you show your child that you are someone they can trust and rely on? The au pair experience is just as much a time for you to build yourself up and learn how to deal with difficult situations, so try to approach everyday with positivity and confidence in your abilities! 
9. Know that it may take time
Don’t be discouraged if your host child does not warm up to you right away. It will take time to form a bond, much like any friendship. Keep using these strategies, maintaining a positive attitude, and communicating with your host parents and kids, and with time, your relationship will become a very special one. Remember, the biggest challenges can amount to the sweetest rewards.